I don't know where some people get off at

I know that lately I haven;t exactly been myself lately.

I've been really absent and pre-occupied minded, so I tend to forget things just a few minutes after being asked. I'm not really sure why this is happening... maybe a chemical imbalance... maybe i'm going mad.... I don't know.

But for the first time in a while I'm just not quite sure what to do.... about anything. It's like I'm a puppet.... I need someone to control my actions. I feel like my mind is off in it's own little world that doesn't exist in this plane. I'm not quite sure how to remedy this situation. I'm having trouble making my own decision. I've lost the will to do anything.

I want to go back to school where nobody can blame shit on me!!!

Friday evening I did some stupid shit... and it didn't help that it was crazy busy. First off there was a dental/spay. So Ms. Personality Clash and I sedated the dog and put it under anethesia.... we put it on 5 (meaning 50% ant. and 50% oxygen) which it should only be left on that until the dog or cat is fully under then boosted to 2 (20% anthesia and 80% oxygen). Well, Cathy left to help upstairs to do whatever leaving me alone (mistake number one.... i'm not certified [of course neither is Cathy... but still]. Well, I forgot to turn the stuff down to 2. Mean while, Dr. J comes down to do the spay and begins.... the dog is still on 5. Then Dr. Mieras comes down to check on things (or something like that... don't remember the real reason). She notices that the anthesia is on 5 and freaks a little. Cathy then comes down and freaks too... looking at me. I give a "oh shit.... i forgot" look. Now it's important to get dentals done quickly.... so my mind was set on getting the dental done.... quickly. I didn't even notice (let alone remember) that the dog was on 5. The pulse was going just fine.
Mistake number two.... Dr. J was knocking out these last three (including the dental/spay) spays before the days end (which kind of pisses us off because we [the techs] like to have surgery closed by 5 or 6). Anyway, we were going back and forth pretty quickly gettting dogs on and off the table. Long story short... I forgot to put one dog's anethsteic (sp?).

Now obviously I feel like a real jerk (not too mention this is bad publicity for the vet I work at) and a really dumb ass.... but really people you (aka Cathy) don't have to go behind my back and joke/complain to people about friday's episodes. It's not like people don't make mistakes. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and that I can't remember everything everybody tells me.
I understand that her personality is very dry and sarcastic sense of humor, but she needs to understand that some people like me are very sensitive to what others say and think about them. This unfortunately is never going to change... so get used it!!!!

Today (Sunday) and 8am I have to go to work.... none other than with Cathy. To the best of my ability I'm going to voice my opinion. This is hopefully what it will sound like...but prolly not because I suck with words and I get flustered in situations like these:

I realize that for the past month, if not the whole summer, I have been a little absent minded and pre-occupied. I'm not making up excuses or trying to point fingers becuase that leads nowhere. The point I'm making is that I realize that I fucked up Friday... majorly. But you don't have to go around my back and make fun of/complain about what happened. I realize Friday that what I said may have seemed like I blamed you for not telling me to turn the anethetic down/on, but that was not my intention or goal. I also realize that it is through your dry and sarcastic sense of humor that you relay events to others around the hospital. I don't appreciate that. Instead if you have a problem, make it a formal complaint and take it up with Dr. J and Dawn or Amy.... not fucking telling everyone in the entire hospital. Or better yet confront me especially when I don't realize that I've made a mistake. I understand your sense of humor, but you need to take into consideration other people's feelings and the consequences of your actions... such as others' sensitivity. Now my sensitive personality will never change... wish it could but unfortunately not. So I would like to leave this consersation as is and get on with life. Shit happens.... it's a fact of life... move on.

I hope I can remember all of this.

Good night.

yeah... sorry about that

Hey everyone!

I'm back on a good note... I think. Sorry if I worried anyone.

Anyway, everything is still a little on the edge. I made a list, but I still feel like I'm missing so much. I wish so much that the apartment was ready so I could just start moving in.
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to band camp (stop laughing!!) because I just miss everyone. Not to mention that it'll help me get my metabolism back up and help me get back into my exercise cycle.

To tell you the truth I haven't been working out much at all. Since my sister's neighborhood is pretty flat i may decided to run around a bit... errrr... walk around a bit. hahahaha. stupid knees *cough cough* I spent $60 on a pass for the aquatic center damn it and I'm gonna use it!!!! gggrrrrr....

well, it's 5pm and I haven't accomplished anything!

Need to update my things to do list.

btw... look at my profile on AIM and figure out what i should do for my 20th birthday.

Frustrated like no other

Well... Amy from work called me... I took Mandy's shift (since she covered for me) on the 4th of July. Means I only got to drink one beer (ggrrr...)

Anyway, I moved in with Kat and Gary (and Jon) today. It was kinda sad... I said good bye to my mom, but my dad was out of town. Hopefully I'll get to see them again before they move to alabama.

I have so many things to do lately that I feel like I'm losing. I feel like I should be seeing a shrink or have someone looking over my shoulder making sure I do everything right because I keep fucking everything up. I'm putting stamps where the return address should be and visa versa... seriously, I didn't even realize it until my mother told me.

I feel really slow (maybe just fatigue from not working out).

I feel like everything is falling apart... seriously.

I need to make a list.... damn it!!!!


Have you ever seen the O.C.? I usually don't, but one of the few episodes that I did see, Marisa (sp?) just started screaming out of frustration (and drunkenness) and flipped chairs and everything into the pool (where she had been tanning earlier). I really do feel like that right now. I just want to scream and be destructive!!!! Then cry afterwards (and a drink would be nice too... but then people would think I were an alcoholic.. that would be bad).

bend over and feel the pain

... wow... that sounded so wrong

but yet....

it's such an appropriate title because well.... i'm an ass hole

I feel like the biggest douche bag.

I forgot to go to work today.

damn evening shifts.

damn moving.

damn it damn it damn it damn it

guess i'll be pleading my life tuesday *smack head*

random??ish

I hate being a girl... so emotional... so.... unforgetful of the past.

I was just going through facebook and I came across a familiar face.... someone I dated last semester. It kinda made me wanna cry (but maybe it's just cause I'm in the middle of that one emotional week that occurs every four weeks). As I said before.... it sucks being a girl.

But then again it does have it's perks....hehe.
1. you can blame your eating binges on your period
2. there is a girls night out for everything
3. you can be horny as shit and nobody would know (props to grahmn for this one.... gotta loves those funny comversations at work)
4. you can hit boys... and they can't hit back (well... usually)
and yeah... numerous other reasons.

whatever....