Ouch factor of the week thus far...

These are in no order....

1. Atwood preceded to make this kid too look like a dumb ass in front of the class. It may not have been is intention to do so... but his tone sounded like it.
2. My paper was "gratefully" critiqued in front of the class
3. I made a 75 on my first paper and my teacher said that he would be glad to discuss it with me in his office if I wanted (Well thank you for giving me the option of having to bash my paper to my face as well as the class... think i'll carefully consider that)
4. Got a parking ticket in a spot that I not to mention many others before me have parked in numerous times before. Paid it on my debit card in hopes that my parents don't find out about it and then precede to tell me to my face "you should have known better... well why the hell did you do that!?... that was stupid.... and you were an A student in high school?" Seriously... they have said this kind of stuff to me before... well mostly just my dad
5. while taking a look at the drill for song 3 of show 2.... i made a few comments/questions of concern and captain snapped at me in a degrading tone (such as... you're just a freshman... shut the fuck up... you don't know anything), "thanx ginnie, we'll handle it." well excuse me for being curious and concerned.... fuck off!
6. during practice on Wed., I missed catching a toss and the pole smashed into my right ear... ouch!
7. ...... haven't gotten there yet.... more to come (unfortunately)



Sorry for those of you who are optimists.... this is my pessimistic week (if you know what i mean...)

Why do I hate English again??

Hmmmm... English... my least favorite subject. Why? Gee... I don't know. Maybe it's because I am not a very creative person, and I'm not very good at analyzing.... I don't know. Or maybe it's because my teacher decided to use a part of my paper to show people what NOT to do in their papers.... I think that hit the spot. I understand some of the stuff I wasn't supposed to do.... too wordy.... to obvious of a fact... blah blah blah. I was just filling in space. Oh well.

Anyway, I am a scientific person. Very methodical and robotic in writing. I am used to writing down every detail... including the most obvious ones! cuz I have to... otherwise I will be counted off.. and they expect me to just flip flop and change that!? Most essays I have to write are almost like checklists... so what was this paper like? Yes went through each item and bascially checked it off. It had very little personality (like everything I do) and very methodical. English Majors can kiss my ass.... as a result I got a 75 on my first english paper. I guess I can understand it... esp when I actually get to see my paper. Maybe I had a few grammar errors that lowered my grade drastically.... I wish. I just can't "emphasize myself" when I write... unless it's something I care about (such as what I'm writing right now). Gggrrrrrr....

Maybe I can make a come back on my next paper....

Living the Single Life

Here is how I feel about my "love life right now"

(Chorus)It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

(Bridge)If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I couldStand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave IWould(Chorus)

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past(Bridge)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

(Chorys 2x)It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone


Linkin Park is right.... it is just so much easier to run. I need to be single right now. I don't need a guy right now. I've been hurt way too much. I know plenty of guys that are great and they would never hurt me intentionally....but often times it's the unintentional stuff that hurts the worst. Anyway... I don't want them to be a victim of my dark past. I just wish it would go away sometimes... too many things remind of everything and everyone (aka all my ex's). I don't want to hurt the next guy to come along... he doesn't deserve it. I don't want him to be a rebound either... he doesn't deserve that. I don't want to become involved and serious with anyone until I really know them and until I really know what I want. No more of this jumping to and fro relationships.... I'm sick of it. I (my emotions [not that I really have any left] and my heart[ not that I really have much of that either]) can't take it any more.

Why don't you guys understand this?.... this is for your own good as well as mine! Stop persuing and just be a friend.... that's all I need right now.....

Ba-ba Black Sheep...

You would think that college would be different in just about every aspect.... no stupid homework checks... less drama on flag line... more friends. People would know a different me than the person I was in high school. I was determined to show people that I'm not TOO shy, pretty cool... just an all around aweseome person. Yeah... you would think....

I am Ginnie's depression. In high school I always thought of myself as the black sheep... kept to myself, didn't go out much... I was the goody-goody child that couldn't get away with crap. So much has changed... but yet so little. Does that make sense? I am Ginnie's confusion.

I always made the effort to hang out with people... I called others to see what they were up to. No one ever called me.... they would always "forget" to call me. I was always left out... guess some things don't change. I felt this the greatest when I went to my high school's football game at the dome. I made plans to hang out with my "old buddies." All of them were having a grand old time. Every time I tried to get back in the conversation.... I would be completely cut off... or just ignored.... some things never change.
On guard, I always sat by myself... or made small talk with some of the other girls.... this was not ture friendship.... just small talk that would later be forgotten in the endless cheering for the football team. There were small cliques in the guard... I guess the seniors had one... I wouldn't know.... I was never involved in anything.

Honestly.... I wonder if they would even know if I just randomly disappeared.... how long would it take them? If I just ran away... disappeared from this desolate life... who would know? I'm betting not many. There would be that empty spot on the field... would they recognize then? Would they recognize that they no longer had a ride to dinner... of which doesn't happen often cuz.. oh wait! I eat alone most of the time.

Whatever... more to come.

Now we're even...

Everyone says I should stay single for a while. What the hell people. Let me inform you of my brackground.

I didn't start dating anyone until I was in 11th grade! 11th fucking grade! I was single for 17 years of my fucking life. Ever since then I have had... what?.... four boyfriends (ranging between two weeks and three months) and one fling (that lasted a whole two months). I think that hardly constitutes as my being a "flirt." Excuse me people who have started dating since 8th grade.

I was always deemed as "unattainable" or "intimidating"... why? God only knows.
I will agree that some of my relationships were a little hasty, and yes, I do admit that I had bad judgement. My thought on this is that because I had never been in a relationship for 17 years (where as everyone else was 14 or 15), I wanted to see what I was "missing out on"... The comfort of being in a guys' arms (can't believe I'm admitting this cuz I'm such a feminist) or kissing (*gasp*) or being treated like a human being (wtf.... treat the black sheep like everyone else... you must be joking). But screw you all who are "looking after me (the black sheep)" I learn by experience... I must touch the hot stove (maybe twice sometimes) before the message gets through to me. Stop tyring to "help" me. I will ask your opinion when I want it!

Compromise.... STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS/ POTENTIAL PROBLEMS AND I'LL STAY OUT OF YOURS!

And P.S. I was planning on staying single for the next few months anyways! Life has seemed to get in the way..... no wait, that's your opinions.

another random quiz

Guardians, are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.
Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.
Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.
Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population

Random quiz

My Cocktail Personalitity:

How to make a Virginia Poorbaugh

Ingredients:

5 parts mercy

5 parts ambition

5 partsego

Method:

add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lovability.

Ego Problem?

Ok... so I was having a pretty good day today....

Chem was ok... stupid people asking stupid questions... what else is new?
English... whatever.... teacher has some kind of sweating problem
Chem lab.... just about late because the buses were packed so i had to haul ass to chem building from SLC
Latin... boring as always..... test tomorrow... think i'll study?

Practice.... pretty darn good... got uniforms today....

CSA.... ok... now I get pissed.... trivia night... supposed to be fun right?
Well.. fun to me is being asked some little kiddie questions.... no hard ass questions....

so as a result I feel like I know absolutely NOTHING about my religion... NOTHING! Let me repeat... N-O-T-H-I-N-G! NOTHING

I feel inferior... vulnerable to the world. I am Ginnie's vulnerability... I hate being exposed.

Maybe this is an ego thing, but I hate it when people tell me I don't do work (when I am working my ass off) or make me feel stupid. I just get angry about such things....

Does this happen to anyone else?... or is it just me?